Grilled Onion Turkey Anti-Burger

It's that time again. TURKEY TIME. No seriously, though. You all know my theory that you can literally substitute ground turkey for ANYTHING that calls for ground beef, chicken, or pork. This recipe is no exception. I love a good hamburger. A big, greasy, covered-in-sauce-hamburger. I'm a man. A gay man, yes I know, shocker. But I still love the idea of a hamburger being a representation of masculinity. Well, leave it to me to gay it up with ground turkey.

I have literally spent the last 3 hours wrapping Christmas gifts. Or...Holiday gifts....or, as my corporate office refers to it, "STARFEST". Starfest. Fucking Starfest. We can't say 'Holiday' anymore? Really? We can't say Christmas? Soon, we will just refer to it as, 'December'. "Hey, have you bought your December presents yet? Are you going to the December party on Saturday?" How magical! Nothing says December like a December Tree! Why can't we just come to an agreement of religious holidays. Like, someone reshape the menorah into a Christmas tree - we can keep the candles! Fuck, we'll keep them. We will all wear one of those...stylish?...Kwanza hats in ravishing yellow, green, and burnt orange. Who am I leaving out? Who have I yet to offend? But in all seriousness...I really want to say that people need to chill the fuck out when it comes to religion - specifically around Christmas. I'm absolutely spiritual. But respecting other religions is just as important as respecting your own. We have the right to practice and worship religion in any way we see fit in America - I mean, look at TLC's primetime line-up. 'Muslims in America'. '19kids and Counting'. 'Sister Wives'. 'Toddlers and Tiaras'. All shows that display what it's like to have different beliefs and ways of living our lives - and they have to be legit, right? I mean, they're on TV. Not just TV, TLC. That's like saying being on E! makes you a celebrity.

I've gone off - but I think it's necessary for us to step back, take a deep breath, acknowledge that people may not agree with your religious views just as you may not believe in theirs. Use the word Chistmas. Use the word Hanukkah. Use the word Kwanza. Stop generalizing religion as 'Holiday' or worse, 'STARFEST'.

Which brings me to my 3 hours of wrapping presents - to clarify, Christmas presents. It's probably my favorite time of the holidays. I just love giving gifts. Whether it's new Sperry, oversized chambray shirt-dresses, ceramic antler jewelry holders or Home Depot giftcards, I love giving gifts. Gifts are meant to surprise and delight. So often we forget that part of Christmas is just being around those you love. That's where I tie in this week's dish, Grilled Onion Turkey Anti-Burger. I was absolutely famished by the end of wrapping presents, so I decided to whip up some turkey burgers. Nice and hearty for this time of the year in Texas when it's half cold/half luke-warm. I had invited a friend over, but she wanted to be alone...which makes total sense? So I invited my back-up friend who came over and I prepared this fabulous dinner while we chatted about our week and plans for the December Day!

What makes these turkey burgers particularly exciting is the addition of grilled onions, the honey-mustard salad, and the simple seasoning on the lean turkey meat. Juicy. Flavorful. The use of yellow mustard and honey mustard is a sweet and tangy twist you will love. In addition, the 100 calorie wheat sandwich thin buns take the bulk out of traditional hamburger buns (and are healthier, too). Fabulous burgers you'll make in the dead of winter - or the dead heat of the summer. Cookouts, watch out!

Grilled Onion Turkey Anti-Burger

1 white onion - sliced

1 bunch organic romaine hearts

1 pound lean ground turkey

yellow mustard

honey mustard dressing

olive oil

sea salt and freshly ground pepper

dill pickle slices

parmesan cheese
100 calorie 100% whole wheat sandwich thin buns

Makes four burgers. Preheat grill or grill pan to medium high heat. Begin by skinning the whole onion and slicing to where you have whole rings of onion. It's ideal if the stick together in a 'disc-like' fashion. Brush lightly with olive oil and season with sea salt and freshly ground pepper. (Seasoning is always to your liking; season as heavy or light as you like.) Place on the heated grill pan and cook for 8 minutes and flip and cook additional 8 minutes. (Onions may become so flaccid that they fall apart, that's okay.) While the onions are cooking, prepare your meat. Your turkey meat. Split the pound of meat into four balls and flatten with your hand to make a traditional patty shape. Brush with olive oil and season with freshly ground pepper and salt. Once your onions are cooked through and translucent, remove from pan and set aside. Begin cooking the turkey patties to the cooking directions on your meat package. While your patties are cooking, begin preparing your salad. Chop the romaine hearts into bite-sized pieces and lightly dress with honey mustard. Toast each side of the bun either in the oven on broil or in a toaster. Once the burger patties are cooked. It's time to assemble. First, the bottom bun, then the pickles, yellow mustard, salad, burger patty, grilled onions and finally a sprinkle of parmesan cheese. Place the top bun on and there you have it.

I've purposely left off measurements because it's up to your taste. Like salt? Use more. Love pepper? Use more pepper. 

Enjoy!

Drunk 'N' Onion Pasta

First, I have to admit to you all that I love Pasta. Who doesn't love pasta? It's a nostalgic comfort food for me and always has been. Growing up my mother swore pasta went with everything, literally everything. Hamburgers? Sure, lets have pasta as a side (usually in the form of Mac N Cheese). Oh, side-story: Growing up my mother LOVED to explore her...culinary...talents and test them on her children. Naturally. One time, in particular, she put together some horrendous concoction and when asked what we were eating, she'd kindly reply, "shit on a shingle". Indeed, it tasted like shit on a shingle. However coincidental that may have been, she actually made it several times throughout childhood. It was TERRIBLE. To this day I have no idea what was in it. I probably don't even want to know. Point of the story is she served it with pasta.

I've absolutely lost my thought...Oh, nostalgic pasta. In college, I was always cooking. Except for the first year when I was too busy eating chicken strips and fries four times a day in the dorms. Yes, I was a fat-fucker. So what, who cares. I grew out of it. You're welcome. I always loved to have people over and cook dinner. It was almost always pasta. In fact, I think the first time I had friends over for dinner I made fettuccine alfredo in my first college apartment for Kristi and Amy. I remember it being so thick - something went wrong and it ended up being fettuccine with alfredo gravy. Just this thick garlicy-cheesy mess. Let's be honest - that doesn't sound awful. Oh, it was like a fondue - more like I fon-don't. I've never been able to live that down, either. We still talk about it to this day. HPH, forever!

I keep losing my thought...basically what I am trying to get at is how much I love pasta. I just think it is a versatile ingredient that you can pair with anything. You can change it a thousand different ways and it's almost fail-safe in the sense that you can't fuck it up. And, with how far whole wheat pasta has come, you don't have to worry as much about carbs as you may have had in the past. When it comes to carbs, though, I haven't met one I don't like. They fill me up and make me happy. If all three of you continue reading this blog in the following months, you are sure to see a multitude of pasta recipes.

This particular recipe came to me one special evening when I decided to combine two of my favorite ingredients, drunk and onions. Everyone knows I love a good red wine drunk...ESPECIALLY if it's a $6 bottle of Yellowtail Pinot Noir. I just don't see the appeal in expensive wines. I have yet to reach that level of pretentiousness - stay tuned though, I feel it coming. The best part is, chances are, you have to purchase a new bottle of wine and since you only need half a cup, that means the rest is for you. So pour yourself a glass and SIP your way through, otherwise you'll be shit-canned by the end of it and will burn yourself - don't ask how I know. With the bottle now open, I decided to create a sauce inspired by my love for red wine from cooking staples that I feel like you should always have on hand: onion, canned tomatoes, extra virgin olive oil, garlic and whole wheat pasta.

Drunk 'N' Onion Pasta

1 box organic whole wheat pasta - penne

2 cans organic low-sodium fire roasted tomatoes

1 whole white onion - sliced thin

1 carton baby bella mushrooms - sliced

1/3 cup extra virgin olive oil

two clove garlic - minced

1/2 cup light sour cream

1/2 cup red wine - Pinot Noir

parmesan cheese to taste

salt and pepper to taste

In a saute pan bring garlic and extra virgin olive oil to med high heat. Add sliced onions, season with salt and pepper, and let cook, tossing occasionally, for 10 minutes until the onions are translucent. Next, add baby bella mushrooms and let cook for 5 minutes. Bring the heat to high and add wine. Let the alcohol cook off (usually 2-4 minutes) and drop heat down to low and let the onion and mushroom mixture cook low and slow for an additional 10 minutes. This is going to make a thick wine sauce in the bottom of the pan. Do not drain this off, it's going to be the base for the tomato sauce. Next, puree one can of tomatoes until smooth. Add to onion and mushroom mixture. Then, drain the second can of tomatoes and give the tomato chunks a rough chop so you're breaking down the chunks, but still keeping some tomato texture. Add to sauce mixture. Add additional salt and pepper to taste, cover and cook low for an additional 10 minutes. (I know this sauce seems to be taking a long time, but it's worth it. Plus, you've been drinking wine the entire time, so chances are you don't have any clue how long you've been cooking.) Finally, stir in the sour cream. This helps to create a sauce and cuts through the acid of the tomatoes. Use reserved pasta water to thin the sauce out to the desired consistency. Drain the cooked pasta and toss with sauce. (For directions on how to cook pasta, please refer to cookingfordumbshits.org) Let it cook together shortly so that the sauce coats the past and the overall dish comes together. Serve and top with parmesan cheese.

By this time you should be drunk and starving. Enjoy!

Sourdough and Sage Holiday Stuffing

Let me set the scene. You've been at your new job for 6 months and you are always bringing fantastic leftovers from the previous night's dinner for lunch to which everyone exclaims, "Oh, that looks so good! You're such a good cook, Chase!" While many would take these compliments and move on, I feel the pressure to continue to wow and impress with my culinary creations. So, it's close to Thanksgiving and your boss announces a Thanksgiving potluck, to which you scoff at because the last thing you want to do is eat food from co-workers you've exchanged minimal cordial words with in the past 6 months only lie and say how good their cranberry sauce is. Hint: no one actually likes cranberry sauce. And quite frankly, half of what they bring is crap - but they've made a valiant effort. Half of the potluck attendees will stop at a Walmart the morning of and pick up some type of flavorless dish that's been pre-made by smiley-face-embroidered-polo-shirt clad employees fresh off the short-bus only to have their "culinary" creations enjoyed by those who swipe their Lonestar card at checkout for their smokes and pumpkin pie. I'm implying the food shrink-wrapped in Walmart love is terrible, but I digress. (I should mention, I HATE Walmart.)

So, since you've always brought amazing food for lunch, the bar is set high for what your contribution will be to said potluck. After racking my brain and essentially freaking out for several days, I finally decide to make stuffing or dressing. I'm not sure the difference in the two - but for all intensive purposes, I'll be referring to it as stuffing. This is a challenge because you've never made stuffing for the very reason that it's the most difficult dish to perfect the day of Thanksgiving, more or less the night before with intentions of heating up in the microwave in the company cafe the next day. It almost always turns out to be a dry and flavorless mess your sister's mother-in-law insists on bringing every year for Thanksgiving. But I said, "No, you're going to do this and do this well - you have no choice, this is your moment to shine." I'm hard on myself, but it makes perfection that much more rewarding. Anyhow, here is what I came up with that leads to my boss coming to me two-weeks later and exclaiming, "Seriously Chase, your stuffing was the best thing about that potluck." In the words of Nene Leakes, "Haaay Haterrrzzz!"

Sourdough and Sage Holiday Stuffing

1 pound 'hot' italian sausage

1 stick unsalted organic butter

1 large loaf rustic sourdough bread - cut into one inch cubes

2 white onions - medium diced

1 bunch celery - medium diced

1 tablesoon of chopped fresh sage

1 package organic baby-bella mushrooms

1 carton organic reduced-salt chicken stock

1 teaspoon minced garlic

salt and pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees with the rack centered in the oven. Spread the sourdough cubes onto a cookie sheet and place into the oven until browned and toasted. WATCH THEM - they will burn quicker than a tequila shot. Once toasted, set aside. In a deep saute pan, bring butter and garlic to med high heat and add the onions, mushrooms and celery. Salt and pepper to taste and cook until onions are translucent. It's important not to overcook the vegetables, they will continue to cook in the oven. Remove vegetables and set aside. Add the italian sausage to the same pan and cook until browned and fully cooked. Time to assemble. In a large bowl add the cubed bread, sautéed vegetables and italian sausage. Mix with a wooden spoon and add fresh sage until fully incorporated. Pour mixture into greased deep-sided 5x13 baking dish. Level off the top and add 1 and 1/2 cup of chicken stock. Cover with foil and place in oven. Let cook for 30 minutes. Remove dish from the oven and remove foil. At this time you will need to assess how moist the stuffing is. If it's too moist, continue on. If it's too dry, add additional chicken stock (with the cover removed, the moisture will be pulled out during the next half of cooking). Place back in the oven and allow to cook for an additional 30 minutes until the top is browned and crisp. Serve with your finest plastic cutlery. 

Enjoy!

Anti-Thanksgiving Turkey Tacos

It's the week after Thanksgiving and the last thing you want to do is think about eating more turkey, carb-loading, or the flavor of sage (the most overused Thanksgiving flavor). You also loathe the idea of grocery shopping, but you've grazed through the leftovers and are sadly out of food, so alas, a trip to the grocery has become a necessity. Head out to the store, sanitize the cart handle, keep your head down refusing any unwanted eye contact and stroll through the aisles to pick up the ingredients to make my Anti-Thanksgiving Turkey Tacos. Turkey!? No way, I've just plowed through a gallon-sized zip-lock baggie of leftover turkey, the last thing I want to do is eat MORE turkey. That's just it, turkey isn't just for elaborate Thanksgiving or Christmas dinners - ground turkey is easily substituted for any recipe that calls for ground beef or pork. In addition, it's leaner and all around healthier than red meats. Another twist, I take a note from the poor people of yester-years and cook in chopped lettuce which is something people did to stretch their food dollar and make a more filling meal after they fell below the poverty line. Creative and resourceful, none-the-less.

I would also like to mention that I am not following the food trend of "Street Tacos". Firstly, I would like to establish that I don't eat ANYTHING with the word 'street' in it. There is nothing I want to eat from the street. No, no, no thank you. Second, I've been making tacos for years. In fact, I'm fairly certain my neighbors in college thought I was a Mexican with the 2001 Civic in the drive-way, the constant smell of cumin wafting from the air-ducts, and the number of empty Tecate, Corona, or Dos Equis bottles that would fall from my balcony on any given weekend night. I'm from Texas, so that means I am incredibly over-exposed to Mexican food, or "Tex-Mex" (which is basically dumbing/blanding down traditional Mexican flavors). Here's my thing, Tacos are easy to infuse new and creative flavors into something that is familiar to almost everyone. We all love a good taco - unless you're eating that sixty-nine cent "taco" from Taco Bell which really only consists of food chemicals and ground up cat tails - not the cat tails you find blowing in the wind in ponds or lakes, I mean literally cat tails. Meow. If that's your idea of a taco, you might have a hard time digesting the organic and natural mexican flavors I've thrown together. Hopefully your appetite is still with me and you can make it through this recipe because it's really one of my best yet - they'll have you giving thanks in a whole new way.

Anti-Thanksgiving Tacos

2 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil

1/2 cup organic chicken stock

1 pound ground turkey

1 red onion - sliced

1 bunch organic romaine hearts

1 palm full cumin

1 palm full chili powder

1 teaspoon garlic

salt and pepper to taste

half a lime

salsa and organic sour cream to top

organic whole wheat tortillas

In a deep-sided skillet, bring extra virgin olive oil to med high heat. Add garlic, red onion, salt and pepper and saute for 3-5 minutes until the onions have browned just a touch. Reduce heat to med low, let the onions develop their sweetness and their sugars to caramelize. After 15-20 minutes have past, scoot the onions to the edge of the pan leaving the majority of the pan's surface area clear and on direct heat. Bring the heat back to med high, add a touch of extra virgin olive oil to lube up the pan and add the ground turkey. Brown the turkey until fully cooked. Add the organic chicken stock, cumin, and chili powder and stir in the reserved red onions. Reduce the heat to low, add the chopped lettuce and cover so the meat simmers and the spices infuse the meat concoction. After 10-15 minutes, squeeze the lime over the meat, add salt and pepper to taste and get ready to assemble. Take a warm organic whole wheat tortilla, fill with taco meat, top with sour cream, salsa and any remaining lettuce. (Cheese optional, just please pick a real cheese, not that pre-shredded pasteurized chemical mess in plastic baggies.)

Enjoy.

Leftover Thanksgiving Soup

So, it's the day after Thanksgiving and if the hangover from getting 'holiday drunk' isn't bad enough, you're also full and bloated from the amount of sugar, carbs and starches you consumed in 24 hours time. The last thing you want to do is eat, but you've got a pounding headache and nausea that is prohibiting your Black Friday shopping. So what can you eat that is substance enough, but light enough that it won't send you straight back to the food coma you came out of? Soup. Turn leftovers into soup and not only prevent leftovers from sitting in your fridge for weeks after Thanksgiving, but also fill your shopping fuel tank so you can get out with the rest of middle America and hunt down promos and deals that are sure to reappear before Christmas. 

2 cups low sodium organic chicken stock

4 cups water

2 cups organic whole wheat pasta (any shape)

1 large yellow onion (sliced thin)

salt and pepper to taste

4 cloves garlic (minced)

5 leaves fresh sage

extra virgin olive oil 

1 tablespoon dijon mustard

leftover Thanksgiving turkey

2 tablespoons parmesan 

In a soup pot, bring extra virgin olive oil and minced garlic to medium high heat. Add thinly sliced onion, salt and pepper and drop heat to low. Let the onions caramelize for 25-30 minutes until soft and browned. Next, add chicken stock, dijon mustard, and water and increase the heat to bring to a boil. Add whole wheat pasta and cook until just before 'al-dente'. Next, add leftover turkey that you've shredded by hand and tear sage into the soup base. Season to taste with additional salt and pepper. Finally, ladle soup into bowls, top with additional sage and parmesan sprinkle. Enjoy.